F*^#K IT I AM ENOUGH!!!!!!

Today I had a comment from someone that really tipped me over the edge of what would normally piss me off.  I don't get pissed off very often and when I do it is usually very short lived.


This comment showed me that you know sometimes you can't be everything to everyone and you can't do everything especially when it is not your best interest, you do these things because it is a small community and someone has to help out.


Well that is what society makes us believe.


Society has created us to believe we are not enough, we don't do enough, we don't have enough, we don't know enough, we don't contribute enough.


Well you know what I have had enough of believing I am not ENOUGH.


When did I give my enoughness away?


I thought it was when I had my kids and got married.  Don't get me wrong I know in my kid's eyes I am enough.  It is everything else that is associated with growing up and taking on responsibility of another person is where I really let my enough go into the wind and started to listen to the expectations and beliefs of others.


Before this new chapter in my life I always had enough and I had no problems with being able to manifest all that I needed.


I had work, I had my horses, I was able to go away on weekends and compete and it was enough for me to have fun with my horses because the only person I wanted to better then was the person I was yesterday when I last rode.  I had friends, I had a roof over my head, I paid my bills easily.
I had ENOUGH and I was content with that.


Once another permanent person came on the scene my enough seemed to vanish.  Being a single mother was not enough, I had to get a job so it wouldn't look like I was bludging on society.  Then I had to get married because well intentioned people didn't think it was right for me to be a single mother with no father for my child.  And then once I was married the inlaws didn't think I was so suitable for their son, so I did more around the place so that I was pulling my weight and not bludging on the family business and then I kept taking on more roles. 


The husband expected me to be like the neighbours wife.  She can do it all why can't you?  So now I get more involved with community groups and teaching my kids school and learning new skills jumping through so many damn hoops to keep all the different levels of society happy because they all want a piece of you at some point and they want it yesterday.   And I stopped riding my horses and having fun because I wasn't doing enough to please others.  So I kept doing and doing and doing and more, doing so that I might eventually be enough.


Enough for bloody what. 


Some days I want to drop out of society and not take on anymore responsibility and roles and commitments.  I want to curl up under my rock and let it all go and when I am ready maybe I might come out of hibernation.


And you know what sucks?  By me showing up believing that I am not enough I am teaching my kids this as well.  I am teaching them that you supposedly have to keep going and doing and being MORE.  Because you are not ENOUGH.  And that stinks.  Because my kids are ENOUGH.


When will we be a citizens again?  Have you noticed that in all the marketing and advertising we are called CONSUMERS.  We have lost the title of being a citizen of a community to be a guzzling gutsing, wanting more consumers.  They play on us and our vulnerability so they can sell us shit we don't need.  They make us believe that there is not ENOUGH to go around, so hurry up and spend up before it is all gone.


I am wondering what would happen if we lived in the world with enough.  Enough Air to breath, enough food to eat, enough shelter to keep you dry, warm, cool.  Enough clothes, enough water, enough play, enough fun, enough LOVE.


What if we are ENOUGH.....................................